Hello Jim, this is Dr. B. I’m sorry for the delay but the Labor Day weekend slowed things down (no problem, I’m not worried about it much anyway). All of your biopsy samples came back positive for cancer (ok, you have my attention now). We have discussed your case and feel that we need to do a radical prostatectomy and remove the prostate, lymph nodes, seminal vesicles and surrounding nerves to remove any chance of cancer that may have left your prostate. We need to move on this fairly quickly, can you come down next week?
This 5 minute conversation was the longest of my life as I was point-blank told by one of the best doctors in the region that I had cancer. Not just a little but that my prostate was completely full of cancer and that it needed to be removed. It wasn’t more than a few months ago that I didn’t even know what a PSA was, let alone even remotely think that I would be dealing with cancer. That always happened to other people, not me. And yet here I was, looking at my life changing forever. This is my story.
I am sharing this information with you for a few reasons. Perhaps one is the therapeutic value that I may gain from writing my feelings. Perhaps one is a way to vent. Primarily my reason though is to share with unknown others what I have gone through, where I came from and what you can expect if this happens to you too. I had many questions that I would have liked to have answered. A few months after my journey began Mark, a very good personal friend that I had confided in called me about one of his good friends, who I knew but not well. His situation was identical to mine including the same doctor and treatment plan except he was just starting his journey. Mark asked if his friend could call and visit with me about what I had found and I told him absolutely, I would be very happy to talk to him. At the same time by now I had learned that this journey was very personal to me and it is unique and personal for everyone. I knew that I could not call this person and try to tell him what I had experienced so far, he had to want to know. I never did hear from him and unfortunately he struggled more than he needed to as he now has health issues that he will have for the rest of his life. Later I realized an unobtrusive way to share with others would be to document it on a webpage. Those who were interested could then look this information over at their leisure and in private. Perhaps my experiences could help others as they start their journey. This page, “My Story”, is my story and will be lengthily. I will try to have section headings so that you can skip to the areas that interest you most or you can look at the “Summary” section for a quick read. My entire story is important though as it will describe my belief system, my family situation and my overall health. All of these areas were crucial in my recovery.
Personal Bio
Before my cancer diagnosis, I was a happily married 50 year old Christian man with five wonderful children and one great daughter-in-law. Family has always been very important in my life and with a belief in the pre-existence, a purpose for this life and literally life after death, I have always had a secure knowledge of where I came from, why I was here and where I am going after I die. We are all eternal beings, having lived as spirits before we were born and we will continue to live after we die, first in spirit and then as resurrected beings with a physical body. That is part of my personal belief system and also an important part of my recovery from cancer.
I was fortunate to be able to attend college at Brigham Young University and receive my degree in 1987. BYU sports was a highlight during my treatments, the one thing that I was able to look forward to week to week. I also worked two full-time jobs and two part time jobs. Four days a week were spent working at two separate School Districts taking care of their IT and network needs. The rest of my time was spent as a computer consultant at various businesses and also as the owner of an ecommerce site, a supplier of personal therapeutic ultrasound machines. This business was purchased in 2012 with the intent that it would allow my wife and I to serve a mission for our Church in 2019, while our youngest son serves a mission. This also is an important fact as it allowed me with a long-term goal to work for and keep me focused on while dealing with cancer. Some days having this major goal in mind is what kept me going.
My entire life I have enjoyed participating in sports and was very active in High School in basketball, football and track. I have always enjoyed water-skiing, hiking, camping, hunting and fishing along with snowmobiling and riding 4-wheelers. Although I have been reasonably fit as an adult, it wasn’t until July 8, 2006 that I started on a regular exercise program. At that time running became a part of my regular routine with an average week consisting of running 3 miles 3-6 times each week. So far there has only been one week that I have not been on at least one run since then, something that became rather difficult to maintain while undergoing cancer treatments but a goal for me to continue to reach for. Three years previous in June of 2010 I had also started lifting weights three days a week. I felt that I was very healthy.
Probably my favorite activity was spending time with my family, particularly my wife. Whether it was playing games with my children and wife, traveling or watching movies together I have always found joy and contentment being with them. My idea of a perfect retirement involved having a few businesses that could be run part time, traveling 3-4 times each year to new locations worldwide and spending time with each of my children and their families. This would be interspersed with several full-time missions and service missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. These are all areas of my life that I have looked forward to doing my entire life and also goals that helped to keep me focused as I went through my cancer treatment. I believe that these goals helped to keep me focus on what needed to be accomplished to rid myself of cancer and helped with a positive attitude through the ordeal. I never have felt sorry for myself or wonder why it happened to me although I have wondered what I needed to learn from it.
My life thus far has been a very fulfilling life yet like all of us challenging at times. We all have challenges at different times in our life that can allow us to learn and grow if we allow them to. My cancer chapter is one such challenge that has helped me to regain a focus on life.
What we take with us after we die
As I have studied the gospel of Jesus Christ and learned about our purpose here on earth, I came to the belief that there are three things that we take with us when we die:
1) Relationships
2) Experiences
3) Education (D&C 130:18-19)
That is all, nothing more. The older I become the more I have focused my life around these three areas. My family calls me cheap, I prefer the term frugal. The best way for them to get me to spend money is to suggest doing an activity that involves one of these items. The more of these 3 areas that are involved the better chance that we will do it. This is one of the reasons why every year our family goes on a major family trip. These trips always fill the relationships and experiences category and at times the education one also. They also help to build memories that we will be able to look back on and enjoy for the eternities.
How I found that I had cancer
Being self-employed most of my life, I have always had to carry my own insurance, both health and life insurance. My last life insurance policy was a 15 year term policy that expired in December of 2012, the month after I turned 50. It actually didn’t expire but the cost more than doubled. I knew that this was going to happen and had planned on obtaining a new policy before this happened. Unfortunately being a part-time procrastinator and full-time tightwad I allowed the policy to expire without replacing it. Finally in May of 2013, six full months after it expired, I took action and applied for another term policy. I had felt a need to replace the policy as soon as I knew that the other policy was going to expire but I did not take action on it. This is really unfortunate as six months would have made a big difference in the growth of my cancer and potentially my treatment plan.
On May 16th when applying for the insurance policy I had to answer a lot of questions and have blood and urine samples taken. After the nurse finished with me she said “you are exactly the type of customer that insurance companies are looking for, active and healthy with a good lifestyle.” Great I thought, no big deal to get the policy. I was slightly surprised that I hadn’t heard from the company until a month later when I was at a week long scout camp with my youngest son. The insurance company called to talk to me and would not leave any information with my wife except that I needed to call them back. June 17, 2013 was the first work day that I was home and I called them that morning. I’ll never forget the conversation. “Mr Murdoch, we have received your application for a life insurance policy and have reviewed all of the information. At this time we are not able to offer you a policy. I’m sorry.” The very nice lady told me that in a more business-like tone like she was reading a script. My comment to her was, “uhh, ok. Can I ask why?” At this point I was very confused. Did they not read the report? Didn’t they see that I was very healthy and active? Obviously there had been some mistake. She then told me that there were problems with my test. I had to press her a little to find out the real reason for my denial and she finally told me that my PSA was a 32. I’m sure that she thought that I was an idiot as I asked her what in the world was a PSA? With kindly compassion in her voice she said that PSA was a possible indicator of prostate cancer. Although I knew that there had been a mistake (did my samples get switched?) I thanked her for her time and for the information and could she send the test results to me? There was a process involved but I eventually did get the results several weeks later. They did confirm that I did have a PSA of 32.02 but what did that mean?
What is PSA?
Prostate-specific antigen, or PSA, is a protein produced by cells of the prostate gland. The PSA test measures the level of PSA in a man’s blood. Typically a PSA of 4 or under is considered normal and no action is usually taken. Levels at a 5 or higher is typically considered abnormal and often will recommend a prostate biopsy to determine if cancer is present. It is also possible that there is a virus or infection in the prostate and that medication can resolve the problem. I liked that idea, take a few pills and have the problem go away. We decided that must be what I had, an infection or virus. This PSA stuff wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought.
My own father within months of having a heart transplant was also found to have prostate cancer with a PSA of 9. My father-in-law also had a PSA of 9 and both of them were treated by some strange process called Brachytherapy. It sounded painful and I was glad that I just had an infection. I found out that prostate cancer was quite common and that most all men will have it if they live long enough. One of the more common treatments is just to wait and watch and see what it does. If it stays around the same area then often times no treatment is necessary, particularly for those men who are older. I found out that even at 50 I was considered young. Every doctor and health care provider that we would meet with would all say the same thing. Although it is not common to have a high PSA at age 50, it was not necessarily normal and that 50 was considered young for cancer. I was always happy to hear this as it did confirm that I probably just had an infection.
Our Summer of 2013
As a couple, Maili and I studied and prayed and tried to decide what we should do. We both were confident that I did not have cancer but just an infection so we were not too concerned although it was rather disconcerting. Since it would probably end up not being a big deal, we decided not to tell anyone about my high PSA. Why worry them for just a little infection?
My older sister Kathy is a nurse and was someone whom I felt I could trust. Her good husband unfortunately had been battling cancer for several years at this point and I knew that she had some experience with it, albeit not prostate cancer. She was a good source of information and comfort. Although she did not offer advice on how to treat my PSA issue, she did confirm that there was a decent chance that it was only an infection. I would talk to Kathy many times over the next several months and appreciated her knowledge, counsel and concern.
Not knowing who to see to help me figure out what the PSA issue was, I also talked to a good friend who is a PA and he offered several suggestions on who to see. I did schedule an appointment with a Urologist. Although I am sure that this doctor would have been fine, we found out that if there was a problem we would go elsewhere for treatments. One week after scheduling the appointment I did cancel as it just didn’t feel right. I decided that whoever I went to for a complete diagnosis would be the same person that I wanted to treat me.
The Murdoch family has a legacy of valiant men and I have many uncles who have had a very positive impact in my life. I have always been blessed and grateful that these men were in my life and for their example. The weekend of July 4th we typically went to the Island Park Idaho area where my Uncle John had a cabin for a family reunion. This was always a great time for our kids to play with cousins and the adults to enjoy each other’s company and visit. As usual, we attended the family reunion although we could only be there for a day. While there I felt impressed that I should ask my uncles for a Priesthood Blessing, which I did. At that time I had 3 uncles there and asked all of them if they would give me a blessing although I did not tell them why. As they laid their hands on my head I could feel the spirit of the Holy Ghost. My Uncle John gave me the blessing and without knowing why he was giving me a blessing, proceeded to tell me what I needed to hear. The spirit was very strong and both Maili and I had a sense of peace come over us. This was a wonderful experience that I will always be grateful for and will always remember and appreciate my uncles for.
In looking at my health and trying to decide if I could have an infection I did realize that I had very minor discomfort with my last remaining wisdom tooth. Although it really didn’t hurt it often reminded me that it was still there. I decided to have it extracted in case that was the cause of my infection. Around the 17th of July I did have it pulled and there was some infection associated with it. What a relief! We assumed that the tooth was the infection that my body was dealing with and causing the high PSA readings.
For the past eight years we had planned on taking a family trip to the East Coast with my 3 youngest children. We had taken the same trip in 2005 with the older children and told the younger ones that we would later take them. With my oldest son living in New York City and my third oldest son graduating from High School the next year, 2013 was the year to go. I had served a mission for my church in New England and spent a lot of that time around the Boston area. I had a real love for New England and the people there and both Maili and I love to visit when we can. To be able to take our children was an event that I always wanted to take place so this was a trip that I had really looked forward to. It was scheduled for the last week of July and the first week in August. With that trip quickly coming up on us we decided to just ignore the PSA issue until afterwards. After 8 years of collecting credit card points we had free flights and hotels and would lose the airline tickets if we had to cancel or change. Besides, why change a trip for an infection?
We did go as planned and had an incredible trip, one that we all thoroughly enjoyed and we built many lifelong memories. There wasn’t a thing that we would have changed about the trip. While we were in New York I found myself wanting to tell my oldest son Michael about my PSA issue but once again decided not to cause any undue worry since we really still did not know what was going on. We were gone for two full weeks and returned home on August 8th.
It was now time to take care of this whole PSA issue. The next week I had my second PSA test on the 15th of August, about one month after my wisdom tooth had been extracted. This should have been enough time for the infection to start to dissipate and my PSA to start to lower. Boy was I wrong.